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Visual Intensity 4
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Visual Intensity - Issue 4 (1994-05-29)(Dual 4Mat)(Disk 2 of 3).adf
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Films
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111
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111
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1978-01-04
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{ta{L{9
T H E M O S T S M A S H I N G O F T H E F I L M S O F
C L I N T " T H E C L I N T " E A S T W O O D
{C{6
BY BOB "THE BOB" TESTICLES
{A{8 Before and after he got into local politics, Clint did some very smashing
films (like the ones listed below) and some not quite so smashing films (like
"Honky-tonk Man" and "City Heat") but on the whole, most of Clint's films are
smashing because he's a big, hard, Northern Newkie Broon drinking bugger which
elevates him to a higher level than most of the ringpiece-ramming pansies
calling themselves actors. The recent rumours about Clint buying a villa in
South Shields, however, are untrue and he doesn't like Lenny Kravitz either.
{ta
{I{:A Fistful Of Dollars (1964)
{A{9Director : Sergio Leone
{7UK Cert. : 15
{6 This very smashing film started the
Italian Spaghetti westerns which
caught on very quickly unlike the
Greek Moussaka westerns, the French
Coq Au Vin westerns and the reet
Northern Cod And Chips Twice westerns.
So grungy that Pearl Jam should be in
the cast and lots of shoot-outs,
violence and rice pudding making.
{5Best Bit : When Clint sticks the lump
of iron up his jumper.
{4Rating : 4 out of 5
{I{:The Good, The Bad And The Ugly (1967)
{A{9Director : Sergio Leone
{7UK Cert : 18
{6 I am a poncey southern film critic
and I happen to think that this is the
best of Leone's "Dollars" trilogy...
Ah, fuck it! This one is smashing but
it goes on for bloody ever and is a
lot deeper than "fistful". As a hard
Welsh critic, I prefer "Fistful" as it
is more fun and lighter.
{5Best Bit : The shoot-out at the end.
{4Rating : 3 out of 5
{ta
{I{:Coogan's Bluff (1968)
{A{9Director : Don Siegel
{7UK Cert : Not For Kids
{6 A moderately smashing movie where
Clint is a rock hard county cop who
goes to New York to sort out the
townies. Later evolved into the TV
series "George And Mildred".
{5Best Bit : When Clint realizes he's
not in a western any more.
{4Rating : 3 out of 5
{I{:Where Eagles Dare (1968)
{A{9Director : Brian G. Hutton
{7UK Cert : For Kids
{6 One of the most smashing war movies
ever in which Clint goes to a fancy
dress party at a castle as a German
soldier. Non-stop action which puts
"Antiques Roadshow" in the shade.
{5Best Bit : Where Richard Burton
mistakes Clint for Elizabeth Taylor
and takes him upstairs for a good
rogering.
{4Rating : 5 out of 5
{ta
{I{:Kelly's Heroes (1970)
{A{9Director : Brian G. Hutton
{7UK Cert : For Marsupials
{6 Along with "Where Eagles Dare" and
"Dirty Dozen" this is one of the most
smashingest, rollickingest war movies
ever. More action than a
feature-length episode of "Antiques
Roadshow" and Donald Sutherland steals
the show as "Oddball".
{5Best Bit : When Oddball drives the
tanks through the tunnel with the
music blaring.
{4Rating : 5 out of 5
{I{:The Beguiled (1970)
{A{9Director : Don Siegel
{7UK Cert : Quite Rude
{6 A rather drugged-up movie where
Clint is an injured soldier and they
do funny operations on him in a girls'
school (fnaar, fnaar). This is a cult
movie so it won't be for everyone's
tastes but it is still rather
smashing.
{4Rating : 3 out of 5
{ta
{I{:Dorty Harry (1971)
{A{9Director : Don Siegel
{7UK Cert : Very Dorty XXX
{6 Non-stop hardcore rodding action.
Features cameo appearances by the Pope
and the King of Norway. Recommended.
{5Best Bit : When Clint gets his cock
out.
{4Rating : 4 out of 5
{I{:Play Misty For Me (1971)
{A{9Director : Clint Eastwood
{7UK Cert : Very Scary
{6 Reversed roles here. A bint is
trying to stab Clint instead of the
other way round. Bloodie leftie
feminists!
{5Best Bit : The bit where Clint
realizes he's not in a western, a war
movie or a cop movie and that he's the
director!
{4Rating : 4 out of 5
{ta
{I{:High Plains Drifter (1972)
{A{9Director : Clint Eastwood
{7UK Cert : Numbers
{6 In my book, this is the most
smashing western ever made. Clint
plays a mysterious stranger (how
original?) who tells the people of a
small town to get sorted and when they
don't, he paints the fucka red.
{5Best Bit : When he paints the town
red (literally).
{4Rating : 5 out of 5
{I{:The Outlaw Josey Wales (1976)
{A{9Director : Clint Eastwood
{7UK Cert : Herring
{6 Clint's second most smashing western
in which he gets very cross when
someone bumps his family off. His
bint, Sondra Locke, was in this one
but he got shot of her recently
because she couldn't cut it between
the sheets.
{5Best Bit : When one of the baddies
says "Hound this Wales to kingdom
come!"
{4Rating : 4 out of 5
{ta
{I{:Pale Rider (1985)
{A{9Director : Clint Eastwood
{7UK Cert : Spanners
{6 Clint plays the Pope and despite the
title, has a rather fetching tan. He
plays another mysterious stranger who
gives the baddies a good kicking.
{5Best Bit : God's cameo role.
{4Rating : 3 out of 5
{I{:Unforgiven (1992)
{A{9Director : Clint Eastwood
{7UK Cert : Pygmies
{6 Clint's return to smashing films
after some dodgy ones during the
eighties. This one has Clint, Popeye
Doyle, a big negro and the
Incontinence Kid doing a whole variety
of rooting tooting western type things
in the west.
{5Best Bit : When Clint pisses in his
pants.
{4Rating : 4 out of 5
{ta
{I{:In The Line Of Fire (1993)
{A{9Director : Not Clint Eastwood
{7UK Cert : Banned In UK
{6 Director Wolfgang Peterson's story
of a careless bodyguard/policeman who
lets various celebrities get killed
i.e. JFK, John Lennon, Elvis, The
Pope, God and Charles I. Features
extended footage of the Vienna Wanking
Contest. John Malkovich is a very
nasty, slimy and tarnished baddie.
{5Best Bit : When they superimpose
Clint on to the original 1963 JFK
footage along with thirty dinosaurs
and the Terminator.
{4Rating : 4 out of 5
{I{:A Perfect World (1993)
{A{9Director : Clint Eastwood
{7UK Cert : Absolute Filth
{6 Unlike all those wet-panted southern
nonces who gave it mediocre reviews; I
happened to thoroughly enjoy Clint's
latest smashing escapades as an ageing
rozzer chasing Kev Costner and a
horrible little child across Texas.
All this because Kev thought Madonna's
show was "neat". What a tossbag.
{5Best Bit : When Kev takes the little
lad to the gents for a bit of
hows-your-father.
{4Rating : 4 out of 5
{A{:
End.